Well you can be irate about that if you like, but I am the Archchancellor of a Ver’ Important Establishment, and I don’t have time to be seeing to the worries and whatnot of the general populace.
Great scott! I mean come on, I am clearly I man of thaumatological learning, with nary a second nor a crossbow to spare for the-… Say what? What’s that?
It’s just been pointed out to me that the University recieves a paltry donation for each question asked, so as I, harumph, clearly previously expressed, all queries are, of course, absolutely welcome.
The more the better, says I!
Harrumph! Stibbons!? Where is that lad? Someone go and fetch him! We need to have a ver’ serious talk about the appropriate questions allowed in the-
Ah! Right, there you are, lad! Right, let’s have a look at the questions we’ve allowed the sorting imps to pass through to Hex, shall we? No, no, you sit there, I’ll do it… Ah yes, now, let’s have a look at this….. See now, it seems that I am holding in my hand a slip of paper saying ‘All noncategorical queries shall be directed to the Archchancellor of the University ’.
So, It seems that I am holding said slip of paper, but I think on closer inspection it will reveal that actually I am holding a slip of paper saying ‘All questions that the Archchancellor doesn’t want answering damn well won’t be answered!’.
What do you think, Stibbons?
Are wizards allowed any colour of robes?
Actually, there’s a funny story about this one.
‘Parently, back in the day, the University started out like the Assassins Guild, where they sorted their students into Houses, don’cherknow. Now, the Assassin’s have cobras and vipers and whatnot, but I believe the University had houses like, ooh, the Badger house, and the Eagle house, and the Lion house and… what was that last one? … Hang on …. BURSAR. BURSAR. BURSAR. Where in the bloody hell- BURSAAAAAAR? … WHERE ARE YOU? IN YOUR OFFICE? YOU’RE HANGING OUT THE WINDOW? GOOD MAN. EXCELLENT INITIATIVE. LISTEN, VER’ IMPORTANT QUESTION TO ASK YOU. WHAT WAS THE LAST HOUSE ANIMAL IN THE ORIGINAL UNIVERSITY HOUSES? I’VE GOT BADGER, EAGLE, AND LION. WHAT WAS THE LAST ONE? … WHAT? … YES IT’S VERY IMPORTANT, I JUST SAID SO. … WHAT’S THAT? SAY IT AGAIN? … GOOD MAN! YOU CAN GET BACK INSIDE NOW. … OH YOU CAN’T? I’LL SEND MODO WITH THE LADDER, THEN. Anyhow, as I was saying, there were four houses. The Badger House, The Eagle House, The Lion House, and the last house, The Hippopotamus House. … Ver’ noble house. Named after the Four Hippos of the Ankh and all that. Anyway. Things got rather competitive. They were all wearing their house colours and killin’ each other off left and right. At that time, knockin’ off your superior was practically an acceptable way to get a promotion, but this was killin’ off your competition before he even learned to tie his shoelaces! Not sporting. All in all, they clamped down on things, the houses were disbanded, and every student has to wear black.
There you are, a brief history lesson, and an answer! You know, Stibbons keeps sayin’ I neglect this thing, but I think I do more then is required, really.
Sir, I demand a thinner school scarf. I don’t care if the colours wouldn’t be displayed in the way they should. People are making fun of me again. -Ponder
Come on man, school spirit and all that! Rah rah rah, and whatnot! Seriously lad, certain sources tell me that you can sell these things to the common rabble. Imagine the type of extra funding we’ll have for all those experiments with the sparks and coloured lights you seem to enjoy so much if we start selling such damnfool things out of the University, eh? Eh?
Tell you what, I’ll even let you try that thing with all the cats and the rods of amber and the giant wheels again! So you keep on wearin’ that around the place, and I’ll bump up your funding. Can’t say fairer to that, can you?
… Of course if you ARE re-doing that experiment specifically, I’m going to have to ask that you perform it off grounds. That godsawful racket had the Bursar on the damn roof for a week after. Yes, I’m perfectly aware he snapped out of it when we got Doughnut Jimmy up there and he tried to take his temperature but, er, let’s not go through that again, eh lad?
Anonymous asked thearchchancellor:
Which member of the faculty do you trust the least? Do you think he is likely to put broken glass in your dinner?
Trust the least, you say? Well, er, that kind of talk isn’t ver’ cohesive towards interpersonal co-operation, or something along that line, it was in a book I picked up, and perused thoroughly, let me tell you. But yes, I’m putting a lot of emphasis on that area at the moment, and we’ve all been participating in activities to strengthen inter-faculty relations.
And they worked too! Strengthened them right up! Of course, the relations in question were actually centered around mutual dislike and occasionally hatred, but no need to throw a result down the privy just because it’s not come out quite the way you wanted it. I personally labelled the entire endeavor as a raging success, even if the Senior Wrangler did try and throttle the Chair of Indefinite Studies with his own unfinished dream catcher.
In his defense, it had been quite a long day. No one told me how long these things were supposed to go on for.
But yes, I deem it a success! After all, we can all definitely say that relations between the faculty have been strengthened! Everyone hates each other much more strongly now.
If I had to answer that question, I suppose I would say the Dean.
But he’s no problem anymore is he! Hah! Usurper! Man comes in and spend nigh on fifty years indenting every couch in the the entire building with the imprint of his buttocks and then suddenly ups and leaves for a cushy job and a less then satisfactory cheese tray! The faculty’s been cut in half! At least in terms of mass! Braseneck School of Conjuring, I never heard the like! Cheap, is what it is! Ungrateful ingrate! Why I ought to
++Transmission Cut At This Point++
++Further Verbal Outbursts Are Irrelevant To The Question At Hand++
I was going to ask about women in UU as well! I would just like to point out that maybe you aren’t giving enough credit to your young students: While it might be a shock to the system, I’m sure that they would be able to control themselves around female students. To that vein, I would also like to ask, have you ever had cases of female students attending as male students? I have heard a few rumours about women who want to be men coming to UU…
Absolutely not. Complete nonsense. Women have never managed to sneak into this establishment to learn magic, nor have they proven to be embarrasingly good at it.
What a ridiculous question.
… Is it finished recording? Did that sound like I was-
Well make it stop recording me then! Damn it man, I’m the ArchChancellor in these parts, I can’t be expected to deal with every damn fiddly thing that comes before me! It’s called delagating, it’s what leaders do.
And I delegate you to turn this bloody thing off right now before I take my staff and
Archchancellor, I really need your help! After spending a delightful evening talking to Lady Margolotta I asked her to tea but she has declined! Do you have a love potion or spell or something that I can use so that she will accept next time I pluck up the courage to ask?
Right, this is my third time recording this, because apparently Stibbon’s not set this machine to know all the words I’m using.
… Swears are proper words, Stibbons, they’re the condiments to the magnificent dish that is the spoken vocabularly.
Now shut up and let me get on with this, there’s a good lad.
First of all, this is a valued service to the public we’re providing here, reaching out to the community, type of thing. This isn’t some sort of corner-store apothecary that you can wander into and shop around in! This is a building which holds the finest minds of our time- I heard that Rincewind don’t think I didn’t- the finest minds of our time, and those minds are off busy dealin’ with thinkin’ up ways to contain eldritch creatures that you ken not of.
Love potion or spell, indeed!
Second of all, I know one or two ladies in various parts of the Disc who would have a thing or several to say about the idea of men spiking ladies with substances to make ‘em more agreeable and open to suggestion. I believe Captain Angua has taken a very firm stance on it, with the Commander’s full support. She’s has Watchmen puttin’ up posters all round Sator Square about it, right opposite the University. Some of the porters like to watch, and then time to see how long it takes the kids hanging round the place to tear them down again.
I don’t know, back in my day we were all perfectly happy with flowers, and poetry and singing under windows and whatnot.
Not that I ever did any of that claptrap of course.
Anonymous asked thearchchancellor:
Archchancellor, I would much appreciate if you could tell me more about the history of the university?
… Aha, yes! Yes of course, ver’ good question that man, looking to broaden your horixons, what? Learn about more about this fine establishment that has graced Ankh-Morporks soil for so many years now.
But, er, you know, as much as I do know about our illustrious and esteemed history, practically by rote, doncherknow’, I mean obviously I would, being the ArchChancellor, I feel I would be doing you a disservice if I were the one to expound upon the bygone times. After all, we have a Librarian who deals with history books every day, and in fact, I believe he was here before I was, so really that makes him an actual part of History. Impressive, eh? Hang on, I’ll be back in a mo.
++ Brief Absence Recorded ++
Here we are! The Librarian can tell you everything you need know about-
No need to look at a chap like that, you’re the Librarian, you deal with this sort of thing every day, surely! This has nothing to do with my not partic’rly wanting to stand in front of a damn big machine talkin’ to m’self for the next two hours, and it has everything to do with this University providing the type of care and service that we feel the general public deserves!
Right, good ma- ape. Stand up on this thing here, and speak into that.
Excellent! Well, no doubt you two will absolutely hit it off! I’d stay, but I’ve bin’ meanin’ to catch up on my fishing, got a new idea for a lure - Attach a light-weight barbell to the end of the line. Gets through the top crust of the Ankh, and probably deals with a couple of the nastier things in the river while it’s at it! Clever, what!
Be sure to speak into the horn-thing, Stibbons was very clear on that!
++ Dictation Settings Shifted, New Voice Detected++
Ook ook ook ook ook. Eek! Ook ook ook ook ook.
++Considerable Absence Recorded++
++Rough Translation To Follow++
++Rough Translation Achieved++
“Bugger This For A Game Of Soldiers.”
Archchancellor Ridcully, I’m not sure if you recall a student by the name of Esk Smith (the wizard in question may have graduated by the time you took archchancellorship). But I was wondering what your stance was on female wizards? Do you have any plans on introducing a co-ed curriculum in the future? I’m sure Esmerelda Weatherwax has an opinion.
Ah, yes, Eskarina Smith. Far as I can remember she set up that entire research group into the system of ‘Non-use’ of magic with that Simon fella, facinatin’ stuff, haven’t read much of it myself but Stibbons talks about it regularly.
Or at least, I assume that’s what he’s going on about, he might have changed the subject since I listened last.
While I myself, am absolutely 100% all in favour of the fairer sex dabbling in magic, (and no doubt they’ll be quite good at it as well, I’m sure they’ll give it their all, no one will think less of them if they bow out, of course, the main part will be that they tried and they’ll be commended for it), a co-ed curriculum, I feel, might be a bit of a sharp shock to the system for a lot of the staff.
Not to mention the students themselves.
I mean, these lads have been devoid of the company of the fairer sex since they were about four, around the time you start pushin’ them over in the playground, I highly doubt their social skills have developed a lot since them. In fact, I’d go as far to say that the most female contact those lads have is with the-… Actually, no we use the porters for that, never mind.
Anyway, as I was sayin’, though there are, as of yet, no plans to introduce a female element to this fine establishment anytime soon, but I have indeed discussed the possibility of setting up an exchange system with Mistress Weatherwax.
For a start, I told her she could have three of ours for a decent lawnmower, the one we have has been on the blink for years.
But all that will have to wait until we get the plumbing sorted, of course.